Infertility and Depression.

So it’s no surprise that at times infertility can get the best of us. Even the strongest must sometimes admit that they could use a professional to talk to about infertility. Someone who isn’t related to us and is not intertwined with our situation, who can give us an unbiased response to the way we're feeling. That’s what I'd assumed I was heading into 2 weeks ago when I contacted a psychiatrist... WRONG!

It’s no secret I've been struggling with this last miscarriage more than with the 2 prior. If I had to guess why, I'd say it’s a combination of the fact that that was the farthest I've gone in a pregnancy—seeing the heart beat several times made it very real to us—and the fact that we have now poured 7 years of our lives into this one thing, only to again not have our dreams realized.

I've been seeing a wonderful therapist since just after my recent miscarriage in March, and I can’t say enough wonderful things about her. She is not one of those therapists who sit there and force you to do all the talking (I hate nothing more), and she won me over in our first meeting when I told her I just wished someone would understand and she said to me “You’re right, this situation you are in just plain sucks.” Finally, someone got it! No dancing around it, it just plain outright SUCKS!

After several weeks of sessions with her we got to discussing how Dallas and I have recently started trying again and how I’m panicked by the thought of getting pregnant again. Sounds silly, right? I’m trying so hard to get pregnant, but I’m panicked by the idea! I used to fear that I'd never get pregnant; now after 3 miscarriages I fear what happens after I get pregnant. Anyone who's been through multiple miscarriages knows the route your mind takes immediately after seeing that extra line on the pregnancy test. All you can do is focus on all the things that can go wrong; it really messes with your mind and well-being.

When you’ve never had a good outcome, what else are you supposed to focus on.?

“Relax”, everyone says. Bullshit. It's impossible to relax. This is why, after several discussions with my therapist, we both agreed it may be in my best interest to speak with a psychiatrist and discuss the possibility of trying a low dose of an antidepressants to prepare myself, in the hopes that I do become pregnant in the near future, so I'm not a complete ball of anxiety the entire first trimester (here’s really hoping I get that far!).

After clearing my plan with my infertility doctor, I set up an appointment with a psychiatrist through the University of Rochester health system. Now, I stand by that health system entirely, and not just because I’m an employee. However... I won't mention her name, but... walking into the appointment I was already very nervous, my stomach in knots; the thought of having to relive the last 7 years with someone new was frightening. I have a very hard time, even now, talking about any of this without bursting into tears. 5 minutes into the appointment—we'd barely gotten past my name and date of birth—she stop[ed and said she had no intention of giving me medications. Wow, OK. We hadn't even discussed what brought me to talk to her that day and already she'd told me she didn’t think I needed medication. I hadn't even gone there with the absolute certainty I wanted medications to begin with. I simply wanted a discussion about them and to weigh the positives and negatives of taking antidepressants during infertility treatments and pregnancy. She then asked me why I would ever even consider taking medications that are not entirely safe during pregnancy, all coming with their own awful list of birth defects they can cause to the unborn child that “you are trying sooooo hard for.” Now insert sarcasm and picture her sitting back and mocking me when she said that last line, with her head shake and eye rolling and all. She also informed me that they all carry a risk of
miscarriage, and asked me why I would even selfishly risk that.

All this within literally 5 minutes.

We continued with the assessment, even though I was now totally turned off by the experience. It was a zillion degrees in her office; her cell phone kept buzzing. AND she was checking it throughout the meeting. She had this framed Mother’s Day poem sitting right behind her. All of these things pissed me off even more than I already was after the wonderful first 5 minutes of our meeting. Finally, the long hour was over and she sat back, took her glasses off, and said to me, “I don’t get why you are even depressed in the first place. You have a husband, a step child, and a job. That’s more than most people, so why are you not grateful for that?” I had to pick my jaw up off the floor, completely appalled that she was seriously judging me! I was in a cross between holding back my tears and rage, and seriously wanting to throat punch her. Why would she ever think I am not grateful for the life I have? I am so in love with my husband, step child, and my job! They have nothing to do with why I am feeling depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed! She's a medical professional, so why was she not getting that? She managed to completely make me feel guilty and minimize my situation, all in 2 sentences.

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, it got worse from here. She then tells me that “your situation is not the end of the world.” Let me say that again…”YOUR SITUATION IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.” How the hell do you know it’s not the end of the world? It’s MY world, MY situation, MY infertility. How can you tell me it’s not the end of the world if I never have children? It’s not the end of the actual world, no. I understand that. But the thought of never having a child of my own that I share with my husband feels like the end of my world. It’s a very hard reality to try and swallow. Hence the reason I was seeking professional help to work through these emotions in the first place.

And to wrap us this wonderful psychiatric evaluation, she tells me I should change my mind-set, go out and get some sunshine and meditate, and maybe if I think more positively I won’t be in this
“situation” I’m in anymore. Really? Sunshine and meditation are going to change my “situation?” My
 “situation” is infertility, at least have the respect to call the disorder by its actual name.

At this point I was so upset I was shaking; I was desperately trying to hold back my tears so I didn’t give her the satisfaction of making me cry. I was beat red. I honestly felt the lowest of lows. I felt like I was just verbally abused by someone I was asking for help. I had so many thoughts running through my head, but I couldn’t process a single one of them. She basically dismissed me and my feelings out of her office. I was so thankful I had a therapy appointment directly after this horrific office visit so I could just spend 45 minutes crying before I actually had to go out in public. I was honestly a mess.

It’s so outrageous to think that medical professionals are allowed to get away with this sort of thing. How are you allowed to just treat me like that when I need help? I’m not going to pat my own back, but I will say it took a lot of courage to go through with that sort of appointment, to ask for help only to be shut down. I went home. I cried. I crawled under the covers before even eating dinner and prayed to just fall asleep for the night. Then I woke up the next morning and decided I would NOT take this situation lightly. I was not going to lie down and let a licensed medication professional get away with treating me this way without at least telling someone about it. Whether they took my complaints seriously or not, I was going to be heard. Within 12 hours of my appointment with this psychiatrist, I had the head of the psychiatric program on the phone and she assured me they were taking my complaint very seriously. The thought that I probably was not the first patient she had treated like this, and definitely wouldn’t be the last made
 it easier for me to go to them with my story.

Whether anything will come of this, I don’t yet know. But, I do know that I feel better by getting my story out there. And the University was very sympathetic to my needs and offered me a new psychiatrist, which I've turned down at this time. Her words really sit heavily on me still, and the thought of going through anything like that again makes me sick. So for now I am still seeing my therapist biweekly to talk through this process, hitting the gym daily to get some good endorphins flowing, and still trudging through these infertility treatments.

One day at a time.

The Key to Solving Infertility

I can't speak for all infertile woman, but I can definitely speak for myself when I say that when you're trying desperately to conceive you'll literally do almost anything to get that positive outcome.

I've become a mad woman, spending hours googling infertility, reading countless community forums. Hoping to find anything that has worked for others. Obsessing over different things you should be doing becomes as time consuming as the infertility treatments themselves. Some of the information out there is good, and some of it is downright ridiculous. Does that stop us from trying it though?? Of course not! We'll try it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here are just a few of the tips, myths, and wives' tails that some of my friends and I have read about and/or tried.

First you have the good, healthy tips, the kind that come from actual medical professionals. They tell you the first step to having a healthy reproductive system is to have a healthier you. They advise you to make sure you're well-rested. Diet, exercise, and weight loss are a must. Take prenatal vitamins daily, not just for the benefits that they will have when you do finally get pregnant, but because they help your eggs become healthier as well. Quit smoking; it is proven that chemicals in cigarettes kill parts of your ovaries and reduce your egg production. Limit alcohol and caffeine, since they has an effect on your ovulation.

But what do you do once this is all done and you still aren't pregnant?.. You move on to the myths and wives' tails, hoping that if it worked for someone else, who claims so on the internet, then it could very well work for you! Here are some of the better (and by better I mean mostly ridiculous) ones that I've read about, and yes, even tried myself!

Robitussin. Yup, the cough syrup. Some believe that if you take Robitussin before you ovulate it will thin out your thick cervical mucous making it easier for them boys to swim towards your now very healthy eggs, since you did just complete all of the above before skipping to this wives tail. I personally have not tried this, but I do know there are woman out there who are. The concept is very believable. If you think about it scientifically, the purpose of cough syrup is to thin the mucous in your chest, so why wouldn't it do the same thing for your cervix? But who knows for sure? Are we measuring the thickness of our mucous? Gross!

Moving on...

Legs up...or legs down. There are seemingly valid arguments for both of these positions, and they contradict each other, big time. On one hand you have people saying that you need to prop the pelvis up on a pillow for 20 minutes after the big moment. This helps the sperm find exactly where they need to be. This is what my doctor has me do after every insemination. On the other hand, there are people out there who say, “NO! Sperm can't swim while a woman is lying down, so you need to get up and move right after.” So honestly, who knows. Maybe both methods work just the same. But for now I'll take my doctor's advice.

Foods. Where do I even start with this? There are so many foods and so many justifications for certain foods out there. I honestly think people just pick random foods, throw in some rationalizations, and put it out there for woman like me to try. I asked my doctor once about some of the foods I'm about to list, and he just laughed and said he'd honestly never heard anything like that before.

My acupuncturist (that's right I do acupuncture, since that's one of the things I read on the internet that totally helps with infertility) told me to eat no gluten and to only eat warm, cooked foods. She claims that in order to maintain your reproductive zen you need to keep your system as balanced as possible. Cold foods and any product with gluten throw our systems into shock.

I've read that the core of a pineapple breaks up certain proteins that inhibit implantation. Grapefruit and grape juice are supposed to change the PH of your system. Baby carrots are supposed to help make your system more alkaline. Why baby carrots?? Clearly only baby carrots will help you get a baby! Makes perfect sense. Full sized carrots could never do that.

Lastly, I've ready to eat foods high in vitamin B6, since these help you RELAX! Like a banana a day is going to help me relax during this process! Please!!!

...That being said, I've definitely tried most of these foods at one point or another.

I honestly believe that, as silly as some of these things may sound, I'm so desperate to have a baby that they don't feel silly at all in the moment. It's hope. It's something to do to keep my mind off what's actually going on. I want so badly to believe that one little thing like drinking grape juice can change my fate. If someone told me that all I had to do was hop up and down on one foot, backwards while eating cake, I'd do it. At least the cake part. That much for sure.

Infertility is my life; it never disappears. I don't have the luxury of just relaxing. If I don't take this fate in my own hands, then it'll never happen. And even though Dallas and I are in the midst of trying again to conceive, we'll be blissfully not thinking about infertility (except for my daily 8pm shots) for 4 whole days while we take a mini-vacation for my birthday. Maybe the relaxation I gain will be just what I need, or maybe it'll be just another wives' tail.

Either way, I'll take it!

Trying Again

Any woman who has gone through this experience or is currently dealing with infertility issues knows that one of the hardest things, next to facing that negative pregnancy test, is preparing yourself to try again. It is even harder to gear up for another try when you've had a miscarriage, or in my case multiple miscarriages. You are struggling with so many emotions, and all those raging hormones running through your body don't help. You need to persevere and process and cope with your recent loss, all the while maintaining a positive mindset as you progress on your journey.

We recently had a meeting with our doctor to discuss our most recent loss and where we stand looking forward. We discussed pathology reports, and he told me once again there's no good explanation for the miscarriage. Two awful words to hear... unexplained infertility! I sometimes think it would be easier to deal with if there were a reason... something that at least could be resolved. Not knowing why is the worst. The doctor says that he feels we are very close to the solution though, since this is the farthest I have gone in a pregnancy; he'd like me to start another round of infertility treatments without making any changes. The doctor has a very optimistic outlook. I wish I were as positive as he.

I still struggle every day with this loss. I'm having a very hard time facing the fact that I've once again gotten my hopes up, to once again be very disappointed. I'm doing many things to get in the right mindset to try again. I'm seeing a therapist, who is helping me sort through these feelings. I'm working on my health and fitness. I'm writing. Yet no matter how much you try to work through these kinds of feelings, you're never really fully ready to commit to moving forward. I feel most of the time I do it because it's just what needs to be done. Moving forward is my only option. It's my best shot at having a baby. And although it's scary as hell, it's time.

Trying again means more then you'd think. It's very scientific. There is nothing old fashioned or fun about this process! It starts with 10 days of a  medication called Provera to bring-on a cycle, since it would just be too easy for my reproductive system to work on its own month-to-month. Then I move to 14 days of birth control pills. That's right, I'm trying to conceive a baby but I have to take birth control pills to regulate my hormones. Then I start several days of an injection called Lupron, which shuts down my hormonal system so the doctor can then maneuver my hormones to work the way he wants. On top of the daily Lupron shots I have to add another injection called Gonal-F, which turns my hormones back on and allows me to start producing eggs. During all of this I'm taking daily injections of a blood thinner called Lovenox. Since I have a positive ANA, and positive anticardiolipans, the doctors feel I have a problem with clotting factors, which they believe is the problem. The blood thinners are supposed to help fix this. So far the cycle has lasted about 6 weeks; hormones are raging, making it difficult to even be around me at times. My ovaries feel like they will explode; I have to go to ultrasounds every other day and get blood work done daily. Once the doctor feels my estrogen level is just right and I have a good amount of eggs that are the right size, I will then have to inject myself with a medication called Ovidrel. This is what causes me to ovulate. 2 days after that we go in for the IUI. Phew! Think all that's exhausting?!?! The shots are not over!! 2 days after the IUI I start these awful progesterone-in-oil shots that have to go into my buttocks. The needles are big, the medicine is thick, and the injections hurt!

And that isn't even the hard part of this process. Sure it's a lot like a part time job, taking all your time, energy, and money, but the mental part so much harder. Now the 2 week waiting period starts. All you can do is think about whether or not you're pregnant, 24 hours a day. You get a stomach cramp and instantly think, “Ooohhhh that must mean I'm pregnant!” You eat foods that are supposed to help with implantation. You drink grape juice simply because you read once that the change in PH helps your body maintain a pregnancy. You start peeing on sticks like a mad woman! We do it though, all of this, just for a shot at that positive pregnancy test. That one chance at our happily-ever-after. And even though we've been knocked down...more then once... we get back up, dust ourselves off, and fight like hell for that baby we know belongs in our future. We can see a baby in our future, feel it in our hearts; we just need to work hard to make it happen. That's why we all put our bodies, our emotions, and our loved ones through this. We won't give up without a fight.

And so our roller coaster ride begins anew. Our journey through this process will once again start. We are moving forward, and we are trying...

Things All Infertile Woman Want You to Know... but Just Don't Say

There are certain things often said to infertile woman that just makes us crazy!

Even though we know these things aren't said with ill-intent, they are nonetheless annoying and sometimes downright hurtful. I understand that the topic of infertility can be uncomfortable and that it can be hard to find the right words, but here are just a few of the not-quite-right things we hear.

“Just relax; it'll happen."

Possibly the most annoying words I've ever heard! I'd love to just relax and have everything magically happen. I wish it were that easy, but trust me: it's not. Infertility is a disease like any other, and telling us to just relax is equivalent to telling someone with heart disease or diabetes to just relax and it'll what... cure them? Not going to happen!

“Everything happens for a reason.” or “God has a plan.”

While this may all be true, we don't need to hear it from you. I personally struggle with this right now; I really do wonder if God has a plan. And if He does, why is this part of the plan for us? And if everything really does happen for a reason, I'd love to know what that reason is. Perhaps some day all will be manifest, but in the meantime, while we struggle with infertility, God's plan isn't so clear. It is hard to accept on faith. It is hard to have others tell us to do so.

“Just adopt.”

Oh ya, 'cause that's the easy solution to infertility. I don't know about others, but I don't have 20-30 thousand dollars just lying around for me to "just adopt."

“You can have my kids.”

The insensitivity hear defies words. There is honestly no good reason to say this. Are you really willing to just give us your children? No? Ok, then STFU. Even as a joke, the idea that you'd give up something I want so badly is hurtful. In fact, that you'd joke about it at all, as if it were a light thing, trivializes our pain.

“You should just feel lucky that...”

Whenever I hear these words, I know what follows will never be good. I've heard, "Oh, you should feel lucky that you get to sleep at night and don't have to get up with a crying baby," or, "You should feel lucky you don't have to deal with pregnancy." I would give anything to deal with those things; please keep that in mind.

Medical advice.

All we do is think about medical treatments. We are constantly working with our doctors on different treatments and medications. We read, research, and talk to women in similar situations to find out what others are trying. Please trust us: we're doing our best, everything we can to make our outcomes different. We don't want to hear that you think our doctors maybe aren't working their hardest, or that we aren't doing everything we can. If you haven't experienced infertility first-hand, it's hard for you to understand the energy that goes into trying to conceive. We've got all the medical advice we need — from our doctors and our infertility specialists.

———————————————

I'm not writing this to make anyone feel bad. I'm not accusing anyone of saying these things to be mean. I'm just keeping it real. If you don't know what to say when we do try to talk about our struggles with infertility, just be honest with us and say that. Or just say nothing. Being a loving friend and listening to us is more than enough, and we appreciate it more than any of you could know.

It's hard for most of us to discuss our struggles in the first place. We are afraid of people's not understanding. We often feel alone, even though infertility affects 6.1 million woman in the United States. When people say things like “just relax,” or when they question why I'm even putting myself through these treatments after multiple miscarriages, when they tell me I should just adopt... it hurts me deeply. It makes me feel they're trivializing my situation and not even trying to understand my perspective or what I deal with on a daily basis. I am driven by the thought that someday we'll be able to successfully expand our family with a set (or two!) of tiny little feet. I can't even imagine life without it. That's why I do it, that's why we all do it. The next time someone tries to open up about living with infertility, just take a moment and be mindful that sometimes these things that you say, meaning to be encouraging, are often taken differently on our end.

That being said, I am very blessed to have some of the world's greatest friends and family members supporting Dallas and me through this journey.

We will continue to live through it one day at a time.

Infertility Sucks

Let me start with a brief introduction.

My name is Maria. I'm 33, and I've been struggling with infertility for several years. And let me tell you firsthand: It sucks. I'm not a writer by any means, but I'd like to get my story out there, in hopes of supporting others who may also be going through this. I don't personally know anyone else struggling with infertility. It's a very lonely feeling, like no one understands what my husband and I are going through.

Dallas and I have been together for close to 10 years, married for 5 this past October. He has an amazing 11-year-old daughter Tori, who's just starting to gear up for those wonderful teenage years. The three of us make a pretty awesome little family, which is why we've always known we'd like to have more children.

In 2007, 2 years before Dallas and I got married, my doctor told me I needed to come off birth control due to high blood pressure. After much discussion, we decided this was as good a time as any to start trying to grow our family. In just a few months I had my first missed period. I remember thinking to myself how easy and quick it was! But... nope, no positive pregnancy test. Instead of a baby, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, a disease that causes my ovaries to mass produce cysts. It's incredibly painful and causes endometriosis and infertility. It also causes fun symptoms like weight gain and unwanted hair growth. My doctor told me that my only hope of getting pregnant moving forward would be a regimen of infertility medications. Since I had very bad insurance at the time, we had to put our hopes on hold.

1 month before the wedding I had a laparoscopy. The surgery showed endometriosis and only one working Fallopian tube, but minimal scar tissue, which was good news. We then started a pill medication called Clomid to help me produce more eggs, giving us a better chance at conception. No luck.

After 2 years off and on trying Clomid and undergoing tests, the doctor told us we had to start an ovulation monitoring program. Little did I know this ovulation monitoring program would be more time consuming than a part time job. My ovulation cycle was stretched to 8 weeks! And each 8-week cycle included multiple doctor's appointments, and blood work every-other morning. They also involve fun things like injectable medications... often up to 4 shots a day. But at this point in our journey, Dallas and I were so desperate to welcome a baby to the family that we were willing try anything.

2012, more than 5 years after we started: Our first pregnancy! After 3 cycles of these infertility treatments we were so excited to see a positive pregnancy test. My first one ever! Sadly though, as soon as we found out we were pregnant I began spotting. Worry consumed me. Sure enough, after several blood tests we were told the pregnancy had failed; I should stop the medications and I would miscarry. 7 days later, our 1^st little angel left us.

The next year we went right back into trying. We didn't want to lose momentum, and after that positive pregnancy test we were now more ready than ever to have a baby. 3 cycles in, however, we still had no positive pregnancy tests. The fourth cycle I tried everything — a gluten free diet, no dairy, no caffeine (that was awful!), no alcohol (even worse than no caffeine!!!), acupuncture, and yoga. And, boom: A positive pregnancy test once again! We were ecstatic, even more ecstatic, since I felt great! No spotting and no signs that anything would go wrong. The doctor told us that just because we had one prior miscarriage we didn't have an increased risk for a second. All my blood work looked very good, and we went into the 6-week ultrasound feeling very hopeful. Then we saw the terrible image of an empty sac, with no baby in it. Our 2^nd angel had left us. This time I had to have a D&C to remove the tissue so they could send it out for pathology to determine if there was an underlying genetic problem. The pathology came back with no explanation. Just the bittersweet report that the baby was a girl. The doctor gave us the green light to continue, if we were ready. We weren't... or at least I wasn't. I was so scared that our future would never hold a baby, and I was scared to lose yet another.

4 months later, 20 lbs lighter, and finally feeling like I was ready to try again, January 1^st, 2014, found us pregnant for a third time. But my blood work once again looked like it would be a third miscarriage. And once again my doctor had us stop my medications so I would miscarry. Several weeks went by, and I had this nagging feeling. I kept telling Dallas that if I didn't know any better I would swear I was pregnant. I knew it just wasn't possible, but for some reason on Monday, January 20^th, I took a pregnancy test and much to my surprise it was positive! Was this a new pregnancy? Was this the pregnancy I thought I'd lost? I was so confused, excited, scared, and just overall a ball of emotions! My doctor brought me in for an ultrasound immediately, and sure enough our little miracle baby was 6 1/2 weeks along, with a very strong heart beat! We couldn't believe it! Was this really happening to us?! We'd never been this far along before, and we couldn't have been any happier!

I can't even explain the feelings I had after seeing that heart beat! This overwhelming euphoria. This is really happening! We went in again at 7 1/2 weeks, and once again the baby was growing perfectly and had a strong little heart beat. I had my first ever ob appointment, and Dallas and I were just walking on a cloud. At 9 weeks everything was still looking great! With all this progress and feeling fantastic, we decide it was time to let Tori in on our exciting news! She took one look at the picture, yelled with excitement, and said it looked like a little dinosaur! So from then on we called the baby our little dinosaur.

11 week ultrasound, no heartbeat. Our 3^rd angel had left us. I can't even begin to describe the feeling I had lying on that ultrasound table. I just remember this overwhelming devastation washing over me. I didn't even believe it. Physically, I felt fine. I thought the doctor was just being overly cautious, since I'd had 2 prior miscarriages. I remember leaving the office after scheduling another D&C for the following Monday, going home to lie in bed, and just waiting for Dallas who was rushing home from work out of town, having heard the news.

I've never cried so much before. I've never felt so low before. I can't ever remember feeling this discouraged before. The awful thought that this is really happening to us...again. We have to tell everyone, and worst of all we have to put Tori through this with us.

That's where we are today. It's been 13 days since we found out. I'm not sure how we will move forward. I'm not sure what the future holds. Once again we're waiting for pathology reports to see if we can find any explanation besides "unexplained infertility." I fear losing all hope for a baby in our future.

Taking it one day at a time.

I will continue to post updates to this blog, in hopes of helping people understand the struggle we're going through, and in hopes of finding others who may be going through similar situations.

To be continued...