Things All Infertile Woman Want You to Know... but Just Don't Say

There are certain things often said to infertile woman that just makes us crazy!

Even though we know these things aren't said with ill-intent, they are nonetheless annoying and sometimes downright hurtful. I understand that the topic of infertility can be uncomfortable and that it can be hard to find the right words, but here are just a few of the not-quite-right things we hear.

“Just relax; it'll happen."

Possibly the most annoying words I've ever heard! I'd love to just relax and have everything magically happen. I wish it were that easy, but trust me: it's not. Infertility is a disease like any other, and telling us to just relax is equivalent to telling someone with heart disease or diabetes to just relax and it'll what... cure them? Not going to happen!

“Everything happens for a reason.” or “God has a plan.”

While this may all be true, we don't need to hear it from you. I personally struggle with this right now; I really do wonder if God has a plan. And if He does, why is this part of the plan for us? And if everything really does happen for a reason, I'd love to know what that reason is. Perhaps some day all will be manifest, but in the meantime, while we struggle with infertility, God's plan isn't so clear. It is hard to accept on faith. It is hard to have others tell us to do so.

“Just adopt.”

Oh ya, 'cause that's the easy solution to infertility. I don't know about others, but I don't have 20-30 thousand dollars just lying around for me to "just adopt."

“You can have my kids.”

The insensitivity hear defies words. There is honestly no good reason to say this. Are you really willing to just give us your children? No? Ok, then STFU. Even as a joke, the idea that you'd give up something I want so badly is hurtful. In fact, that you'd joke about it at all, as if it were a light thing, trivializes our pain.

“You should just feel lucky that...”

Whenever I hear these words, I know what follows will never be good. I've heard, "Oh, you should feel lucky that you get to sleep at night and don't have to get up with a crying baby," or, "You should feel lucky you don't have to deal with pregnancy." I would give anything to deal with those things; please keep that in mind.

Medical advice.

All we do is think about medical treatments. We are constantly working with our doctors on different treatments and medications. We read, research, and talk to women in similar situations to find out what others are trying. Please trust us: we're doing our best, everything we can to make our outcomes different. We don't want to hear that you think our doctors maybe aren't working their hardest, or that we aren't doing everything we can. If you haven't experienced infertility first-hand, it's hard for you to understand the energy that goes into trying to conceive. We've got all the medical advice we need — from our doctors and our infertility specialists.

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I'm not writing this to make anyone feel bad. I'm not accusing anyone of saying these things to be mean. I'm just keeping it real. If you don't know what to say when we do try to talk about our struggles with infertility, just be honest with us and say that. Or just say nothing. Being a loving friend and listening to us is more than enough, and we appreciate it more than any of you could know.

It's hard for most of us to discuss our struggles in the first place. We are afraid of people's not understanding. We often feel alone, even though infertility affects 6.1 million woman in the United States. When people say things like “just relax,” or when they question why I'm even putting myself through these treatments after multiple miscarriages, when they tell me I should just adopt... it hurts me deeply. It makes me feel they're trivializing my situation and not even trying to understand my perspective or what I deal with on a daily basis. I am driven by the thought that someday we'll be able to successfully expand our family with a set (or two!) of tiny little feet. I can't even imagine life without it. That's why I do it, that's why we all do it. The next time someone tries to open up about living with infertility, just take a moment and be mindful that sometimes these things that you say, meaning to be encouraging, are often taken differently on our end.

That being said, I am very blessed to have some of the world's greatest friends and family members supporting Dallas and me through this journey.

We will continue to live through it one day at a time.

Infertility Sucks

Let me start with a brief introduction.

My name is Maria. I'm 33, and I've been struggling with infertility for several years. And let me tell you firsthand: It sucks. I'm not a writer by any means, but I'd like to get my story out there, in hopes of supporting others who may also be going through this. I don't personally know anyone else struggling with infertility. It's a very lonely feeling, like no one understands what my husband and I are going through.

Dallas and I have been together for close to 10 years, married for 5 this past October. He has an amazing 11-year-old daughter Tori, who's just starting to gear up for those wonderful teenage years. The three of us make a pretty awesome little family, which is why we've always known we'd like to have more children.

In 2007, 2 years before Dallas and I got married, my doctor told me I needed to come off birth control due to high blood pressure. After much discussion, we decided this was as good a time as any to start trying to grow our family. In just a few months I had my first missed period. I remember thinking to myself how easy and quick it was! But... nope, no positive pregnancy test. Instead of a baby, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, a disease that causes my ovaries to mass produce cysts. It's incredibly painful and causes endometriosis and infertility. It also causes fun symptoms like weight gain and unwanted hair growth. My doctor told me that my only hope of getting pregnant moving forward would be a regimen of infertility medications. Since I had very bad insurance at the time, we had to put our hopes on hold.

1 month before the wedding I had a laparoscopy. The surgery showed endometriosis and only one working Fallopian tube, but minimal scar tissue, which was good news. We then started a pill medication called Clomid to help me produce more eggs, giving us a better chance at conception. No luck.

After 2 years off and on trying Clomid and undergoing tests, the doctor told us we had to start an ovulation monitoring program. Little did I know this ovulation monitoring program would be more time consuming than a part time job. My ovulation cycle was stretched to 8 weeks! And each 8-week cycle included multiple doctor's appointments, and blood work every-other morning. They also involve fun things like injectable medications... often up to 4 shots a day. But at this point in our journey, Dallas and I were so desperate to welcome a baby to the family that we were willing try anything.

2012, more than 5 years after we started: Our first pregnancy! After 3 cycles of these infertility treatments we were so excited to see a positive pregnancy test. My first one ever! Sadly though, as soon as we found out we were pregnant I began spotting. Worry consumed me. Sure enough, after several blood tests we were told the pregnancy had failed; I should stop the medications and I would miscarry. 7 days later, our 1^st little angel left us.

The next year we went right back into trying. We didn't want to lose momentum, and after that positive pregnancy test we were now more ready than ever to have a baby. 3 cycles in, however, we still had no positive pregnancy tests. The fourth cycle I tried everything — a gluten free diet, no dairy, no caffeine (that was awful!), no alcohol (even worse than no caffeine!!!), acupuncture, and yoga. And, boom: A positive pregnancy test once again! We were ecstatic, even more ecstatic, since I felt great! No spotting and no signs that anything would go wrong. The doctor told us that just because we had one prior miscarriage we didn't have an increased risk for a second. All my blood work looked very good, and we went into the 6-week ultrasound feeling very hopeful. Then we saw the terrible image of an empty sac, with no baby in it. Our 2^nd angel had left us. This time I had to have a D&C to remove the tissue so they could send it out for pathology to determine if there was an underlying genetic problem. The pathology came back with no explanation. Just the bittersweet report that the baby was a girl. The doctor gave us the green light to continue, if we were ready. We weren't... or at least I wasn't. I was so scared that our future would never hold a baby, and I was scared to lose yet another.

4 months later, 20 lbs lighter, and finally feeling like I was ready to try again, January 1^st, 2014, found us pregnant for a third time. But my blood work once again looked like it would be a third miscarriage. And once again my doctor had us stop my medications so I would miscarry. Several weeks went by, and I had this nagging feeling. I kept telling Dallas that if I didn't know any better I would swear I was pregnant. I knew it just wasn't possible, but for some reason on Monday, January 20^th, I took a pregnancy test and much to my surprise it was positive! Was this a new pregnancy? Was this the pregnancy I thought I'd lost? I was so confused, excited, scared, and just overall a ball of emotions! My doctor brought me in for an ultrasound immediately, and sure enough our little miracle baby was 6 1/2 weeks along, with a very strong heart beat! We couldn't believe it! Was this really happening to us?! We'd never been this far along before, and we couldn't have been any happier!

I can't even explain the feelings I had after seeing that heart beat! This overwhelming euphoria. This is really happening! We went in again at 7 1/2 weeks, and once again the baby was growing perfectly and had a strong little heart beat. I had my first ever ob appointment, and Dallas and I were just walking on a cloud. At 9 weeks everything was still looking great! With all this progress and feeling fantastic, we decide it was time to let Tori in on our exciting news! She took one look at the picture, yelled with excitement, and said it looked like a little dinosaur! So from then on we called the baby our little dinosaur.

11 week ultrasound, no heartbeat. Our 3^rd angel had left us. I can't even begin to describe the feeling I had lying on that ultrasound table. I just remember this overwhelming devastation washing over me. I didn't even believe it. Physically, I felt fine. I thought the doctor was just being overly cautious, since I'd had 2 prior miscarriages. I remember leaving the office after scheduling another D&C for the following Monday, going home to lie in bed, and just waiting for Dallas who was rushing home from work out of town, having heard the news.

I've never cried so much before. I've never felt so low before. I can't ever remember feeling this discouraged before. The awful thought that this is really happening to us...again. We have to tell everyone, and worst of all we have to put Tori through this with us.

That's where we are today. It's been 13 days since we found out. I'm not sure how we will move forward. I'm not sure what the future holds. Once again we're waiting for pathology reports to see if we can find any explanation besides "unexplained infertility." I fear losing all hope for a baby in our future.

Taking it one day at a time.

I will continue to post updates to this blog, in hopes of helping people understand the struggle we're going through, and in hopes of finding others who may be going through similar situations.

To be continued...