Any woman who has gone through this experience or is currently dealing with infertility issues knows that one of the hardest things, next to facing that negative pregnancy test, is preparing yourself to try again. It is even harder to gear up for another try when you've had a miscarriage, or in my case multiple miscarriages. You are struggling with so many emotions, and all those raging hormones running through your body don't help. You need to persevere and process and cope with your recent loss, all the while maintaining a positive mindset as you progress on your journey.
We recently had a meeting with our doctor to discuss our most recent loss and where we stand looking forward. We discussed pathology reports, and he told me once again there's no good explanation for the miscarriage. Two awful words to hear... unexplained infertility! I sometimes think it would be easier to deal with if there were a reason... something that at least could be resolved. Not knowing why is the worst. The doctor says that he feels we are very close to the solution though, since this is the farthest I have gone in a pregnancy; he'd like me to start another round of infertility treatments without making any changes. The doctor has a very optimistic outlook. I wish I were as positive as he.
I still struggle every day with this loss. I'm having a very hard time facing the fact that I've once again gotten my hopes up, to once again be very disappointed. I'm doing many things to get in the right mindset to try again. I'm seeing a therapist, who is helping me sort through these feelings. I'm working on my health and fitness. I'm writing. Yet no matter how much you try to work through these kinds of feelings, you're never really fully ready to commit to moving forward. I feel most of the time I do it because it's just what needs to be done. Moving forward is my only option. It's my best shot at having a baby. And although it's scary as hell, it's time.
Trying again means more then you'd think. It's very scientific. There is nothing old fashioned or fun about this process! It starts with 10 days of a medication called Provera to bring-on a cycle, since it would just be too easy for my reproductive system to work on its own month-to-month. Then I move to 14 days of birth control pills. That's right, I'm trying to conceive a baby but I have to take birth control pills to regulate my hormones. Then I start several days of an injection called Lupron, which shuts down my hormonal system so the doctor can then maneuver my hormones to work the way he wants. On top of the daily Lupron shots I have to add another injection called Gonal-F, which turns my hormones back on and allows me to start producing eggs. During all of this I'm taking daily injections of a blood thinner called Lovenox. Since I have a positive ANA, and positive anticardiolipans, the doctors feel I have a problem with clotting factors, which they believe is the problem. The blood thinners are supposed to help fix this. So far the cycle has lasted about 6 weeks; hormones are raging, making it difficult to even be around me at times. My ovaries feel like they will explode; I have to go to ultrasounds every other day and get blood work done daily. Once the doctor feels my estrogen level is just right and I have a good amount of eggs that are the right size, I will then have to inject myself with a medication called Ovidrel. This is what causes me to ovulate. 2 days after that we go in for the IUI. Phew! Think all that's exhausting?!?! The shots are not over!! 2 days after the IUI I start these awful progesterone-in-oil shots that have to go into my buttocks. The needles are big, the medicine is thick, and the injections hurt!
And that isn't even the hard part of this process. Sure it's a lot like a part time job, taking all your time, energy, and money, but the mental part so much harder. Now the 2 week waiting period starts. All you can do is think about whether or not you're pregnant, 24 hours a day. You get a stomach cramp and instantly think, “Ooohhhh that must mean I'm pregnant!” You eat foods that are supposed to help with implantation. You drink grape juice simply because you read once that the change in PH helps your body maintain a pregnancy. You start peeing on sticks like a mad woman! We do it though, all of this, just for a shot at that positive pregnancy test. That one chance at our happily-ever-after. And even though we've been knocked down...more then once... we get back up, dust ourselves off, and fight like hell for that baby we know belongs in our future. We can see a baby in our future, feel it in our hearts; we just need to work hard to make it happen. That's why we all put our bodies, our emotions, and our loved ones through this. We won't give up without a fight.
And so our roller coaster ride begins anew. Our journey through this process will once again start. We are moving forward, and we are trying...
